I am craving something new in my life. I can't decide if it is to cut all my hair off, buy another new pair of boots or start knitting. I do know this......I put up my fake Christmas tree and the middle lights are dead. I am at a loss. I have no desire to restring this fake tree. Laziness. Maybe I need to get a real tree this year. I would need lights and that would involve putting them on the tree. That could be my something new I suppose. I think I will just stick with the fake tree and call it good and maybe the kids won't notice. They do always say I am not very festive. I will either blame it on the cat or tell them it is all part of the plan of my lack of festiveness that they complain about. They know me well enough to know I am not driven to fix these sort of things. My laziness will shine through once again and I am completely comfortable with this.

The earth beneath her shakes
her mind continues to tremble
thoughts wandering
only to return in chaos
the fear of being alone
she waits patiently
for her sanity
feeling weak with desperation
seeing her world crumble
tiny pieces, too small to see
her vision blurring with tears
waiting, wondering
slipping into confusion
feeling the loss from within
madness is surfacing
she closes her eyes
too scared to open
enraged with her reflection
the world is darker.

My heart's a stereo.

So many changes since the last time I was here. My world has been a rollercoaster that I hope now has come to a a simple and flat ride. I have had the amazing opportunity of having one of my illustrations printed in a magazine and the not so amazing experience of a separation and incredible lack of sleep. Inspiration and excitement has trickled in and teased me and now I am hungry for more. I know there is something waiting for me. Something big. Hopefully not another dead cat in the pond or the mountain of paperwork and the emotional dysfunction I need to deal with, but something really big. As the new year rolls in I will pray (even if I am not religious) and wish for this thing that will be all amazing to knock on my door. One can only hope it is not God to scold me for my desperate halfway sincere prayers or an almost working robot that needs a shitload of expensive parts before it starts cooking me meals and cleaning my house.

Bird - ink on acrylic.

Tumbleweed

I am trying to update my blog while my seven month old is attached to the boob, nursing like a ravenous wiggle worm. This has proven to be quite impossible. Little legs are kicking me as I punch in the keys one-handed making me have to backspace constantly. No wonder it takes me forever to do anything these days. I want this space to be about all the things I create and do, but let's face it, the more I try to complete something the farther away I feel. I can't get it together making me feel like a failing daydreamer.

My inspiration is hanging by a thread, a straggly, old, decrepit piece of thread that I found by mistake in a haphazardly packed box at the thrift store. How do some of these "bloggers" do it? I am trying to figure out how to juggle kids, home and creativity so they are all in harmony. Right now, all I can juggle is a box of mac n cheese and a game of uno. I find myself at times thinking "oooh, I so want to make that" or "oh man I would love to be able to paint that" or my favorite "what do I want to be when I grow up?" Maybe an illustrator, own my own fabric store, possibly a farmer, hmmm how about an illustrator who lives on a farm selling fabric she designed herself from her cute little shop in town. Something, anything. Don't get me wrong, I know that staying home with my three little ones is a blessing, but I want to be something. Something that is all mine, something to call myself when the kids are grown and out of the house. That "thing" is what I am in search of and that "thing" scares me.

I have taken a few moments to collect my thoughts and have put the baby down to complete this entry. All I can hear is his squealing from the living room while rolling around the floor like a tumbleweed in the breeze. I will spend the next few moments writing and thinking. I will try my hardest to obtain something that is all mine. Go back to school, get a job and start painting. That will be my thing for right now. I will cross my fingers and close my eyes and manifest this dream of mine even if it takes me a long, long time. I will overcome my fears slowly and find the light I am in search of. I am a procrastinator and a daydreamer with no conviction, this is something I hope to correct. This is me.

Grateful

Feeling grateful for so many things. Every evening the kids and I sit around the dinner table telling each other what we are grateful for. I love hearing the different things each of them come up with depending on the mood. Gavin almost always is grateful for being alive. So much love I have for these amazing kids. When we feel the need to write it down and keep that thought forever we add it to our gratitude garland. My favorite part of the day is watching them get so excited when it is their turn.

simple

I have rearranged my house again. I know that is crazy but I have to admit I love the change. This time I have decided to make my home more simple. Simple, as in less stuff, less distractions, and less stress. I spend so much of my time cleaning and never feeling like I accomplish anything. So I have decided to de-clutter and organize. Organize my papers, closets, cupboards, finances, and most importantly my mind which has been a whirlwind of chaos lately.

I have created a home management notebook filled with lists, bugdet, ideas and plans for the future. It is refreshing to have it all in one place. I love lists but tend to make a habit of leaving them all over the house and never quite finishing them. I have faith that this notebook will help me on my journey to simplicity.

My biggest desire is to spend more time with my children and less time feeling stressed about not being able to finish the cleaning. I'm not saying I don't want to ever have to clean again I just don't want it to consume all of my time. I think by simplifying certain things like finances, clutter and distractions my family will become more connected. I need more moments of dancing, boardgames, trips to the beach, watercolor, baking bread, and most importantly cuddle time with all three of my sweet ones. I want my days to flow peacefully together with my family as a unit. When we take the time to enjoy what we have in front of us everything else is seems less important making life more simple.

Happy simplicity!