I am trying to update my blog while my seven month old is attached to the boob, nursing like a ravenous wiggle worm. This has proven to be quite impossible. Little legs are kicking me as I punch in the keys one-handed making me have to backspace constantly. No wonder it takes me forever to do anything these days. I want this space to be about all the things I create and do, but let's face it, the more I try to complete something the farther away I feel. I can't get it together making me feel like a failing daydreamer.
My inspiration is hanging by a thread, a straggly, old, decrepit piece of thread that I found by mistake in a haphazardly packed box at the thrift store. How do some of these "bloggers" do it? I am trying to figure out how to juggle kids, home and creativity so they are all in harmony. Right now, all I can juggle is a box of mac n cheese and a game of uno. I find myself at times thinking "oooh, I so want to make that" or "oh man I would love to be able to paint that" or my favorite "what do I want to be when I grow up?" Maybe an illustrator, own my own fabric store, possibly a farmer, hmmm how about an illustrator who lives on a farm selling fabric she designed herself from her cute little shop in town. Something, anything. Don't get me wrong, I know that staying home with my three little ones is a blessing, but I want to be something. Something that is all mine, something to call myself when the kids are grown and out of the house. That "thing" is what I am in search of and that "thing" scares me.
I have taken a few moments to collect my thoughts and have put the baby down to complete this entry. All I can hear is his squealing from the living room while rolling around the floor like a tumbleweed in the breeze. I will spend the next few moments writing and thinking. I will try my hardest to obtain something that is all mine. Go back to school, get a job and start painting. That will be my thing for right now. I will cross my fingers and close my eyes and manifest this dream of mine even if it takes me a long, long time. I will overcome my fears slowly and find the light I am in search of. I am a procrastinator and a daydreamer with no conviction, this is something I hope to correct. This is me.